i remember.

i remember waiting ALL weekend for Sunday night because i knew i could always count on you to text me. and i remember being completely exhausted monday morning from staying up too late talking to you. i remember spending all week freaking out, my mind going crazy because i would have to wait a whole entire week to talk to you again. i remember being scared to death that i was falling so hard for you, and you didn’t even think twice about me. i remember re-reading our conversation a million times from that sunday night. i remember those sleepless nights where i kept replaying that kiss over and over in my head, wondering if it felt as perfect for me as it did for you. i remember when friday and saturday night rolled around and i’d hope that maybe, just maybe, i’d hear from you a day or two earlier, to ease all the rambling thoughts in my head. i remember how i felt waking up every sunday morning, thinking about that night’s conversation. i remember how it felt to finally see your name on my phone at night. how every fear of mine subsided. how my heart skipped a beat and the butterflies in my stomach grew and grew with every “i miss you” “i want you”. the end of the night would come way too soon, and the anxiety would set in for the next six days. that’s what i remember.

but what i don’t remember is why i was so content living this way? why was i settling for a three hour conversation that led to an entire week of sleepless nights and insecurity? why did i settle for less than i deserve? why were his words good enough when they were not backed up his actions? why do i sit here, over a year later, on sunday nights, with my phone permanently attached to my hand? and most of all, why am i disappointed when i don’t see your name appear? 

i don’t really know what i’m doing, or why i made a tumblr. i guess i want somewhere to write down everything thought in my head without being judged. this seemed like the best place. i don’t know how many times i’ve started this and deleted it, but i think hope this time is different.

so, here goes nothing.